Astronaut Fight! On Earth!!

photo via Flickr

What an incredibly great news day. I even got a CNN text alert about this. Ok, so this one lady astronaut drove like 1,000 miles with pepper spray and a bb gun to attack this other lady Air Force captain all over the love of this dude astronaut. What a great Valentine's Day story! Don't listen to me. Read some of these quotes from the NYTimes story

The Orlando police allege that Mrs. Nowak drove 950 miles from Houston to Orlando -- wearing adult diapers -- and disguised herself in a dark wig, glasses and trench coat to confront Ms. Shipman in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport, according to a police affidavit. Mrs. Nowak considered her a rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut, Bill Oefelein, according to the affidavit.

Adult diapers!!! She couldn't afford enough time to pull over and use the bathroom. That is some Shakespeareanly murderous focus right there. I really gotta hand it to her.

The Orlando police said that Mrs. Nowak followed Ms. Shipman to a parking lot at the airport, where Ms. Shipman entered her car. Mrs. Nowak approached the car window and tried to open the door. When Ms. Shipman would not open the door, Mrs. Nowak began to cry, the police said. Ms. Shipman cracked the window, and Mrs. Nowak sprayed pepper spray into the vehicle.

She later told police, “that was stupid,” according to the affidavit.

No, that was smart! Using your tears to give the intended victim a sense that you were vulnerable, then taking advantage of the opening by blasting pepper spray. Oldest trick in the book. I'm surprised she wasn't like, "What's that over there?" and then shoot her in the head with the bb gun.

Her court appearance was broadcast live on television. Stations displayed file photos of the astronaut smiling broadly in an orange space suit, juxtaposed alongside the police mug shot of Mrs. Nowak after her arrest, her brow furrowed and hair splayed in different directions.

Now that ain't right, catching her on a bad hair day like that. So her attorney argued that she had no criminal record and should be let go. But:

The state attorney said that the facts indicated a well-thought-out plan to kidnap and perhaps to injure Ms. Shipman.

A "well-thought-out plan!!" This is incredible. This is like Cheney shootin that dude in the face but planning it in advance and wearing adult diapers the whole time! Maybe he was.

A NASA official told the court today that before the incident, Mrs. Nowak, who is married with three children, and Ms. Shipman were strangers.

Wait, let me get this straight. Mrs. Nowak, the astronaut with the diapers and pepper spray, is married to some other dude but drives 1,000 miles to fight some chick over a man that ain't even her husband?!? How does that make Mr. Nowak and the kids feel. First, I'm sure he has issues being married to a lady astronaut because whatever his job is, he's not a damn astronaut, and no one cares.

I bet Mrs. Nowak has no time to do any chores around the house cause she's busy kickin it in space. The kids probably can't even get her to sign their homework. Yet this lady finds time to hunt down some rival chick over another man? That's really gotta kill.

But here is the best part. In case you were feeling any sympathy toward Mrs. Nowak the psycho, cross-country pooping astronaut, read this last part of the article:

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Mrs. Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and a BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, rubber gloves, $600 in cash, love letters — all in bags and in her car, the police said.

Oh damn!!!! This was not a friendly visit people! Our diapernaut was fittin to put a hurtin on this chick. Steel mallet????!!! Oh lord. She was gonna beat that lady to a pulp, chop her up with the 4-inch blade like all psychos do.

During the July shuttle mission last year, Mrs. Nowak’s tasks included operating a robotic arm

Oh HELL NAW! She was practicing on that arm. She was gonna use it to toss her chopped up victim into space on her next mission.

Update: continue with Part 2