You can see my full debate timeline with some added commentary on Storify.
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This may come as a shock to many of you, but I've been really torn during these past few months about who I should support in the 2012 U.S. presidential campaign. Obviously, I supported Barack Obama in 2008, but in 2012 I simply cannot put my weight behind a Kenyan. I'm sure it's a lovely place, but this is America, and I want to support an American this time, so I had to look to the Republican party.
On the weekend of May 20th, I decided to put my full weight behind Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels. I figured, "Indiana never bothered anybody and seems like it's got a bunch of nice people," but then Daniels hit himself in the face with a door and got 16 stitches. If a man can't lead his face safely through a doorway, how can he lead America? One day later, he dropped out. This left me in a bit of a lurch.
These past few months have been tough without a candidate of my own. I've looked at the GOP field carefully, but no one was the obvious choice. Ron Paul is interesting, but sometimes he uses the name Rand, and I don't like when a man lies about his name. Herman Cain? No way. We already have a black president! Let's get some diversity in the White House, thank you.
But late last night I awoke with a sudden clarity of mind. I thought, "America needs results, not rhetoric!!" Genius, right? I immediately typed this prophetic phrase into Google to see if I could trademark it. That's when it became obvious that Tim Pawlenty would get my vote and my support.
So a few moments ago, I visited T-Paw's real-time, up-to-date, super American website. It's beautiful!
I read every news update, watched every video and even joined his Pawlenty Action center! I filled out my profile, and told my Facebook friends about this great, results-driven man. I pledged to volunteer 3,000 hours for his campaign and unlocked the Workhorse badge! So far I've accumulated 204 points, 4 badges and sit in the top 7th percentile of all members, all in a few minutes. My only regret is in having missed the popular American Christian worship band SONICFLOOd at T-Paw's BBQ in Ames, Iowa yesterday.
But overall, I'm relieved, and the timing couldn't be better. It's great to know that I've just today discovered how I'm going to spend my next 3,000 hours. I urge all of you to join me and T-Paw. It's time for truth. Absolutely nothing can stop us now, T-Paw!! Nothing.
I saw this headline about Bachmann signing some pledge calling for the ban of pornography. I thought, "Well, she just lost half her base." Then I read the complete pledge and found that it is full of far more disturbing language than just the porn reference.
For example, it binds the signer to oppose Sharia Law, because you know, that's a huge threat in America right now. I recalled that I stopped buying hot dogs from the halal food cart outside my office because it always came with a side of Sharia Law, and don't you just hate when Sharia Law spills all over your shoes? It's so irritating!
The pledge also refers to something it calls "the intimate fruit of conjugal intimacy." This is pledge-writers' way of saying "children." The "intimate fruit of conjugal intimacy" sounds like something an alien race studying humanity might say because where they come from, there is no such thing as sex. Here on planet Earth, we do have sex, and lots of it. Sometimes sex results in "children," which is a word we have, also here on Earth.