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Momentary Jokes

Momentary Jokes for August 1, 2007

I had some time on the plane yesterday and wrote a few more jokes. Enjoy, and once again, show some love for your favorites in the comments.
  1. The University of Iowa is considering a $15 million offer to name its public health school after Blue Cross Blue Shield. In related news, the University of Iowa has just published a report titled, "America's Super Awesome Healthcare System: We Wouldn't Change a Thing"
  2. The White House defended Alberto Gonzales' claim that he couldn't have discussed the terrorist surveillance program at John Ashcroft's hospital bed in 2004 because "the phrase 'Terrorist Surveillance Program' was not used prior to 2006." He explained, "In 2004, we just called it 'Unreasonable Search and Seizure'."
  3. After suffering the second seizure of his life, Chief Justice John Roberts may need to take epilepsy medication and suffer through its side effects which include drowsiness, nausea and empathy for the plight of the average person.
  4. The UN Security Council has finally authorized a peacekeeping force for Darfur. With any luck, the peacekeepers will arrive in time to see the last surviving Darfurian killed
  5. Sanjay Dutt, one of Bollywood's best-known film stars, was sentenced to six years in prison for illegally possessing weapons. While Dutt may have lost his freedom, the Indian prison system gained a great choreographer. Watch out Filipino YouTube stars!
  6. Under pressure from President Bush, Congressional Democrats are scrambling to expand the government's wiretapping powers, proving no matter how abused, the dog eventually returns to the master.
  7. McDonalds has a new beverage called "The Hugo." The 42-ounce, 410-calorie soft drink is available for only 89 cents and is being advertised heavily in minority communities using multiple languages. This is the first in a series of genocidal products on the company's roadmap which will include free bullets, guns and underfunded schools with every Happy Meal sold in the hood.
  8. Oil prices reached a record high of $78 per barrel this week, putting further pressure on the U.S. economy. In response, OPEC leaders hinted at lower prices and scheduled their next meeting for September 11, because nothing symbolizes Arab sympathy for America like an oil cartel meeting on 9/11.

18 Momentary Jokes for July 24, 2007

Note: I wrote all of these on a flight from Dallas to San Jose this morning
  1. US and Iranian ambassadors to Iraq are meeting for a second time to discuss ways to stabilize the country. Any serious disagreements will be settled with a game of Rock, Paper, IEDs.
  2. An Iraq veteran who lost his left hand in combat was the first to show off a bionic hand known as the i-LIMB. Apple is expected to sue the maker of the i-LIMB for violating its trademark on the first person singular pronoun.
  3. Emergency workers in England rushed to restore power to 350,000 people after the country's worst flooding in 60 years. The English people explained, "Yo America, this is how it's done."
  4. One in three residents of Southern coastal Florida said they would ignore hurricane evacuation warnings. Cool, that means we can ignore one in three cries for help.
  5. Researchers have proven that it's possible to hack into an Apple iPhone over the web and take over the device. What are they going to do, call my friends? Listen to my music? Browse the web on a smaller screen and slower connection than they one they used to hack into my phone??
  6. The stock market dropped amid renewed fears about the collapsing mortgage industry. Wall Street is beginning to realize that homeless people don't buy shit.
  7. In a so-called "wrongful birth" case, a jury awarded $21 million to a couple who claimed a doctor misdiagnosed a birth defect in their son, leading them to have a second child with similar problems. The couple sued the doctor because there was no address on record to send a subpoena to God.
  8. Sen. John McCain said if he's elected president--- well, it doesn't really matter what he said after that, now does it?
  9. (Option A) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. The polyps were, however, packed with large amounts of bullshit, like "Mission Accomplished," "We have to fight them over there so we don't fight them here" and "I do solemnly swear that I will preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
  10. (Option B) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. While not malignant, doctors said the polyps definitely were assholic.
  11. Illinois has passed a ban on smoking in public places. What will politicians blow up the public's ass now, the Patch?
  12. AT&T, America's largest phone company and broadband provider, announced that earnings increased 61 percent, generating $2.9 billion in net income. CEO Randall Stephenson commented, "Mwahahahahahahah... mwaaaahaaahahahahahaaaa!!!" then added, "OUR world delivered, bitch."
  13. Corning has developed a new fiber optic cable 100 times more bendable than standard fiber, making high speed Internet available to more homes. The fiber is so flexible, you can insert it into Alaska Senator Ted Stevens' butt, route it through his intestines and pump a Wikipedia definition of the Internet straight into his brain.
  14. Following the lead of other web companies, Microsoft and Yahoo will limit how long they keep sensitive user info. AT&T says they'll hold the data "for as long as the NSA needs, or may eventually need."
  15. A Montana man claims he found a fried mouse in his bag of Frito-Lay potato chips. The company explained he had merely found one of its limited edition "Ratatouille Flavored" chips as part of a Pixar promotion.
  16. (Option A) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. The first lesson? Explaining what the executive, legislative and judicial branches are.
  17. (Option B) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. Conservative critics accused O'Connor of judicial overreach.
  18. American Express profits are up 12 percent due to record cardholder spending. That's because people are using their cards to make their mortgage payments.
Which ones are your favorite? Hit me up in the comments.

The return of Momentary Jokes

Update 9 July 2007 @ 17:57: the final MoJo was also selected for the Laughing Liberally joke of the day over at Working Assets Blog.

Despite outcries from its constituents and the fact that five of eight democratic candidates have bailed out, the Congressional Black Caucus insists its Fox News-sponsored Democratic presidential debate will go forward in September. This is just the beginning for the CBC which has lined up a series of debate sponsors hostile to Black people including the KKK, Kool-Aid and FEMA.

In Germany, a man's smelly feet so disturbed his neighbors that police raided his apartment, thinking there was a dead body inside. In addition to massive embarrassment, the man's feet are expected to provide black comedians with material for the next 10 years.

Sprint says it has disconnected more that 1,000 cell phone customers who made an excessive number of customer support calls. Interestingly, about half of the customers haven't noticed any change in the quality of their Sprint service since being disconnected.

President Bush is opposed to setting a date to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq despite increasing pressure from members of his own Republican party for a change in war strategy. This is odd. Considering the president's stance on abortion and sexual education, you'd think he'd be a fan of early withdrawal.

Video MoJos! #001

If you can't see the embedded video in your reader, head over to YouTube here.

Update: You may notice that the video above is no longer available. This is not an accident. This was a comedic content experiment. The experiment has failed. That thing sucked. Just look at the pained expression on my face. Come on now! Back to the drawing board folks. I promise new experiments in the future, and I promise to shove them down the memory hole if they fail.

Some new MoJos for ya!

After Apple opened its iTunes movie store with Disney Studios, other studios wanted to join in. However, Wal-Mart threatened those studios: "if you sell with Apple, we won't sell your DVDs anymore." Yes, Wa-Mart thinks it will lose its customers to a digital download service. Do they know who their customers ARE??? They should be more worried about their customers gnawing on the DVD packaging in the store California has sued automakers for global warming. I plan to sue California for reality television. Six Flags is offering unlimited line-jumping for customers who eat a roach. It's a lot like Hollywood, where you of offered a movie deal if you eat a dick. After years of posting it at football games and other public events, the Evangelical Committee on Cultural Propaganda has declared "John 3:16" the official gang sign of the born again. A 3-year old girl in Minneapolis was hospitalized for drunkenness. Doctors warned, "she could have easily died." But I say, look how good Lindsay Lohan turned out. This kid's gonna be ok! MySpace will start a voter registration drive, targetting its millions of young members. Unfortunately, most kids will waste their votes on "Dane Cook for President." French doctors have successfully operated on a man in near-zero gravity. That's great. We have 44 million uninsured Americans, and the French want to rub our noses in thier socialized "space medicine." Saudi Arabia is planning to build a fence along its border with Iraq. They don't get it. Iraqi immigrants are simply willing to do the jobs Saudis won't: that is, blow themselves up. A 73 year old used car salesman in Texas ended an argument with a customer by pulling out a machete and whacking the man's arm. He normally uses the machete to slash prices, but sometimes the customer isn't always right. An Australian man who says the recently killed "Crocodile Hunter" shaped his love of reptiles, says he plans to feed the placenta of his newborn son to his pet lizard. That's just what we need: reptiles with a taste for baby humans. A 3 year old boy bought a $16,000 dollar Barbie-Pink Nissan off of eBay this week. Apparently he was trying to get to Minneapolis and hook up with that drunk girl. Finally... Al Qaeda's number 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced plans to release a video message about the Pope, Bush and Sudan's Darfur region. He had planned to release via Apple's movie download service, but changed his mind after learning his distribution deal with Wal-Mart would be cancelled

Some MoJos for ya!

I'm super behind on posting from Chicago. Sorry about that kids. Classes are going great, but I've had to focus on some business stuff including taxes, booking and other ish. I will post my notes from Week 3 at the iO soon, but in the meantime, here are some mojos with your names written all over them!

A US study has found that one in eight babies are born premature. While this has caused concern in the medical community, parents are happy their kids want to move out sooner.

Rescuers in thailand helped a 50 year old elephant which had been stuck on its side since falling a week ago. "We had hoped Star Jones would land on her feet, but we can't say we're surprised," said an ABC spokesperson.

A study finds that one in four Southern states' residents will ignore government evactuation orders. The top reasons given:

1) they believed their houses were well built; 2) the roads would be too crowded; 3) they planned to steal their neighbor's shit

Following a close and still undecided election, supporters of Mexico's liberal presidential candidate, Manuel Lopez Obrador, brought rush-hour traffic to a crawl Monday, with tens of thousands descending on the city's central plaza for his speech and shouting threats at reporters, alleging they were biased against their candidate. Note to Democrats in america: this is known as "fighting."

Israel's prime minister declared Monday there would be no cease-fire with Hezbollah guerrillas, saying "we will not give up on our goal to live a life free of terror." This would make Israel the first nation to successfully defeat terrorism while creating more terrorists.

Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving and admits to making anti-semitic remarks and threatening a deputy. So that's what Jesus would do!

Momentary Jokes (mojos) 9/11/2005

These are some of the jokes I performed with Peter Dutton today at the 9/11 show at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Mass. U.S. forces in Afghanistan marked the fourth anniversary of 9/11 in a solemn ceremony yesterday. Meanwhile U.S. Forces in iraq held a similar ceremony but weren't sure exactly what they were commemorating. Fearing a subway bombing here, Boston MBTA police are headed to London to observe transit cops. Meanwhile, Brazilians in boston have decided to walk to work. according to the British Medical Journal, women with high levels of stress in their everyday lives are at less risk of developing breast cancer. instead, they will all die of heart attacks. First lady Laura Bush threw out her suggestion for supreme court justice friday saying "as a woman myself, I hope it will be a woman." Using the same logic, former first lady barbara bush said she hopes it will be a bitch. Barbara Bush has suggested that the mostly poor and black Superdome refugees were better off in temporary Texas housing because “they were, you know, underprivileged. This is working well for them.” Shortly after her comments, the city of Detroit issued the following statement: “keep that crazy bitch away from our black people.” The flood waters have yet to recede, and Halliburton has been awarded contracts to clean up after Hurricane Katrina. In fact, Halliburton has already signed advanced rebuilding contracts with the federal government for the Great California Earthquake of 2009 and a logistical support contract with the Chinese government for WWIII. the house of representatives announced it will start hearings on the gov response to hurricane katrina this thursday. But failure to provide enough desks, microphones and notepads will force the hearings to start a week later than requested. FEMA director michael brown has been recalled from heading up Katrina operations so he can coordinate the response to other disasters, like his career. This week, long-time Bush advisor Karen Hughes will start her job trying to improve America’s image abroad. Her first mission is to explain the apparently inept hurricane response. Hughes is expected to argue that, on the contrary, Hurricane Katrina gave the government a chance to jumpstart its long-planned “Aggressive Diversity Initiative” to redistribute high concentrations of African Americans to color-needy states like Utah and New Mexico.

Momentary Jokes: Week Ending September 11, 2004

Just about every week, I send a message to my e-mail list with career updates, general silliness and what I call "momentary jokes" -- current events-based humor. I'm going to experiment with sharing some of that with the wider blog audience. So enjoy! And if you do, head over to baratunde.com to join the list.
  • Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is recovering well after successful heart bypass surgery. Conservatives uttered a collecting "dang!"
  • In response to soldier testimony in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse case, the Bush administration is sponsoring the No Occupier Left Behind Act. The legislation will demand better performance from U.S. soldiers without providing the necessary funding or equipment to make that happen.
  • A much-feared hurricane Francis struck the Florida coast this past weekend as a much softer tropical storm, resulting in less damage than anticipated. The Bush campaign has accused Frances of flip-flopping.
  • Vice President Dick Cheney warned that a vote for Kerry in November risked another terrorist attack in the U.S. Cheney said he knew this to be the case because he was planning such an act "just in case."
  • New research suggests the original inhabitants of America may have come from what is now known as Australia. The claim has shocked some native Americans who came overland from Siberia and say they were there first. The news also comes as a shock to religious minorities in England who have immediately set sail for Australia bearing Christianity, smallpox and an unquenchable thirst for cotton.

Momentary Jokes: Week Ending August 29, 2004

Just about every week, I send a message to my e-mail list with career updates, general silliness and what I call "momentary jokes" -- current events-based humor. I'm going to experiment with sharing some of that with the wider blog audience. So enjoy! And if you do, head over to baratunde.com to join the list.
  • President Bush toured the wreckage from Hurricane Charley last week, promising federal aid to those who signed a pledge to vote Republican.
  • In response to competition from Google, Hotmail is offering 2 gigabytes of mail storage, thus doubling the amount of email you can get which promises to double your penis size.
  • A US general today said that some of the 44 instances of abuse uncovered in the Abu Ghraib prison investigation amounted to "torture." He also acknowledged that some of the black people picking cotton in America between 1619 and 1863 were "slaves."
  • Olympic officials are seething at a campaign ad for President Bush which, they say, hijacks the Olympic brand. Bush reminded the Olympic committee that America built Greece, and America could destroy it.