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BestOf2006

Dave Chappelle thinks I'm hilarious. He used my joke!

A friend just sent me to a Washington Post article explaining one of Chappelle's funny new jokes. Thing is, I wrote something better two years ago! From the article:
Chappelle has another bit in his routine that shows flashes of what made "Chappelle's Show" so jaw-droppingly raw. Commenting on the movie "The Passion of the Christ," he notes that the actor who portrayed Jesus was struck twice by lightning during filming. This suggests one of two things, he says: a) that God is smiting those who would create graven images of His prophets, or b) "The Jews have a weather machine."
On Feb 27, 2004 I wrote the following MoJo as documented in my NewsPhlash newsletter that day:
During the filming of Mel Gibson's "Passion" people on the set were struck by lightning three times. In related news, Jews own the lightning machine.
And I later revised it longer to the following:
During the filming of the Passion of the Christ, three people on the set were actually struck by lightning! Some people see this as a sign that God didn't want his son's story told in that particular way. I see it differently. I see it as a sign that Jews also control... the lightning machine.
Oops, pow SURPRISE! Thanks Chappell for validating my comedy career! The fact that I can't use that joke again is a small price to pay for your flattery. UPDATE March 9: My most recent podcast has audio proof!!!

Why I have a crush on Maureen Dowd

Back in 2004 I met Maureen Dowd and asked her out on national television. (OK, it was C-SPAN, but technically...). Today I am reminded why that was the right decision. Her column on the United Arab Emirates port deal was on point.

This was my take in a MoJo:

President George W. Bush said on Tuesday that a deal for a state-owned Dubai company to manage major U.S. ports should go forward and will not jeopardize U.S. security, adding "The war in Iraq has already done that." 

Here's an excerpt of Dowd's column today:

 
Mr. Bush is hoist on his own petard. For four years, the White House has accused anyone in Congress or the press who defended civil liberties or questioned anything about the Iraq war of being soft on terrorism. Now, as Congress and the press turn that accusation back on the White House, Mr. Bush acts mystified by the orgy of xenophobia.

Lawmakers, many up for re-election, have learned well from Karl Rove. Playing the terror card works.

Get him Maureen!!

BTW, I'm in NYC this weekend. We still on for lunch at Serafina? Great. 

 

Guns don't shoot people. Cheney shoots people

predator facial systemHere's the easy joke I wrote: "Dick Cheney shot a longtime Republican friend in the face this weekend. Imagine what he would do to a Democrat." But there's way more interesting stuff to say. Read on brothas and sistas. Read on! As if there were any doubt in the world that this is the most gangsta administration ever, Dick Cheney went and upped the ante, yall. Dubya has proved himself a rough rider time and time again. He proudly spies on Americans, tortures prisoners and says the reason we went to war (WMD) wasn't really that important after all. That's some gangsta ish. But Dick Cheney's like, "Great, Dubya, so you violate international treaties. La deee da. N-gga I shoot my own friends!!! In the face!!!" I swear even Stringer Bell would stay away from these fools. (that's a reference from the best show ever on television ever for those who don't know) The story doesn't end here though. Here are some nifty observations about VP Slaughter's "accident." #1 They didn't tell the press until the next day that the incident had happened. How you gonna shoot somebody and not tell until the next day. That's some gangsta ish. #2 I got a text message from my boy CNN yesterday, and they purposefully let you think Cheney got shot. Here's what it said: "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a hunting trip in" I stopped reading after "shot," and I was thinking, "Why would you accidentally shoot Cheney?" If Cheney gets shot, that's gonna be some premeditated stuff. Trust me. (note to not-so-secret NSA data gathering probe. yes this was a MILD VP assasination joke, but only mild and only a joke. Please move on to another blogger now, thank you) #3 I was browsing online today and came across this new development. predator facial system Predator Facial Armor System Protects Against IEDs I couldn't help but think that Dick Cheney's hunting buddies might want to order up a batch of these too.

Hello 2006. Now can we please kill the music industry?

It's official. I want the traditional music industry to go completely out of business. I want their offices emptied. I want their executives out on the street making ends meet by selling bootleg copies of the artists they've ripped off. What makes this such an urgent plea, and why is this my first message of the year? Coldplay. Today, Coldplay's new single was released, and it comes with a lot of so-called DRM or "digital rights management" which prevents even reasonable use of the CD. There's a great article over at Boing Boing which explains the restrictions, but if you're lazy, just check out the insert in the CD right here: Why oh why do the record labels hate artists and fans? They're suing listeners, installing malicious software on CDs like Sony did, and hurting artists by associating them with evil, short-sighted, greedy methods like this Coldplay thing. It just makes no sense. Coldplay is probably big enough that they don't even need a record label anymore. They should break their contract right now, and whatever the fine is, I'm sure their fans would be happy to cover it. I'll gladly chip in $20 to liberate enslaved artists from the shackles of extreme greed and corporate selfishness. But what about newer artists? They don't have the clout to just walk away, and the restrictive CDs can only hurt them as young fans turn away. New artists will need to plan for the demise of big daddy and seek new distribution and hopefully new ways to make money. The signs of the declining empire are unavoidable. So here's one of my big wishes for 2006. I want the already declining industry to slide further. Let them keep alienating their customers and artists. Let them try to screw with the iTunes pricing model which has been a lone bright spot. They are becoming less and less relevant. You know, the milk man doesn't exist anymore, but I still have no problem getting milk. So long big labels. Enjoy your last hours.