After Apple opened its iTunes movie store with Disney Studios, other studios wanted to join in. However, Wal-Mart threatened those studios: "if you sell with Apple, we won't sell your DVDs anymore." Yes, Wa-Mart thinks it will lose its customers to a digital download service. Do they know who their customers ARE??? They should be more worried about their customers gnawing on the DVD packaging in the store

California has sued automakers for global warming. I plan to sue California for reality television.

Six Flags is offering unlimited line-jumping for customers who eat a roach. It's a lot like Hollywood, where you of offered a movie deal if you eat a dick.

After years of posting it at football games and other public events, the Evangelical Committee on Cultural Propaganda has declared "John 3:16" the official gang sign of the born again.

A 3-year old girl in Minneapolis was hospitalized for drunkenness. Doctors warned, "she could have easily died." But I say, look how good Lindsay Lohan turned out. This kid's gonna be ok!

MySpace will start a voter registration drive, targetting its millions of young members. Unfortunately, most kids will waste their votes on "Dane Cook for President."

French doctors have successfully operated on a man in near-zero gravity. That's great. We have 44 million uninsured Americans, and the French want to rub our noses in thier socialized "space medicine."

Saudi Arabia is planning to build a fence along its border with Iraq. They don't get it. Iraqi immigrants are simply willing to do the jobs Saudis won't: that is, blow themselves up.

A 73 year old used car salesman in Texas ended an argument with a customer by pulling out a machete and whacking the man's arm. He normally uses the machete to slash prices, but sometimes the customer isn't always right.

An Australian man who says the recently killed "Crocodile Hunter" shaped his love of reptiles, says he plans to feed the placenta of his newborn son to his pet lizard. That's just what we need: reptiles with a taste for baby humans.

A 3 year old boy bought a $16,000 dollar Barbie-Pink Nissan off of eBay this week. Apparently he was trying to get to Minneapolis and hook up with that drunk girl.


Al Qaeda's number 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced plans to release a video message about the Pope, Bush and Sudan's Darfur region. He had planned to release via Apple's movie download service, but changed his mind after learning his distribution deal with Wal-Mart would be cancelled